She's The Mashed In My Potatoes

Today would have been my aunt's 58th birthday. The loss of a loved one is difficult and as one gets older, I truly believe it just gets harder and harder. She's been gone for just shy of a year and I miss her terribly. She had several health problems and I can now say (without crying) that she is in a much better place. She is now with her brother and her parents and watching over all of us. Our AJ was fun and always found a way to make us laugh through her often kidish and quirky demeanor (dinners where she sat at the kiddy table with us and squeezed mashed potatoes out of her mouth just to get a laugh out of us). She was never too serious and I appreciated her for that. She cared deeply for her nieces, her brother and my Mom. I am so happy that she was able to meet Mia and spend time with her. Although I am much better emotionally with this than I was for a long time, I still regret that I didn't see her as often as I should have. The last time I saw her was on May 21, 2010. We had all gotten together for my Dad's birthday, as we did almost every year by having lunch and playing games at Dave and Busters. We had a great time and I'm glad it's a good memory for me.

Of his entire family, my Dad has said goodbye to both his parents, his brother and now his sister. He's only 63 and he was the oldest child. It's just him and it breaks my heart. I love my Dad. He's the best one out there, I am quite convinced, and I could never imagine for a second how he must feel. Of course he has us, and my hubby reminds me of that all the time, but it just makes me sad to know that emptiness that he feels.

I remember the day I got the phone call, July 7, 2010, from my Mom telling me that she had passed. I knew it that morning. I just had a bad feeling. She went in for heart surgery that morning and I just knew something was not going to be right that day. At first I was mad and used many inappropriate blog words because I selfishly wasn't ready to say goodbye to her just yet. She was too young and she was all that my Dad had left of his family. I left work and drove to my parents house where we met up with my sisters. I was then sad. We didn't have a funeral for her; my Dad didn't think she would want one. We had a Memorial for her, which was an awesome day tributed to her. My Dad took her ashes to Mexico and sprinkled them into the ocean, a place she had never been and where she wanted to go when she died. To this date, she has been the hardest one to say goodbye of all the family members I have lost. I still cry....often. I talk to her all the time and I pray about her and to her often.

Tonight we are getting together to celebrate her with her favorite food and likely a few cocktails. We'll honor the great aunt and sister that she was and embrace the gift that we were given in the guardian angel that she is to all of us now.

The night I drive home from parents, the night she had passed, I took this picture. It was a cloudy day and night, but just as we all left to go home, the skies did this. I'm pretty sure it was her opening up the clouds so she could watch over all of us to make sure we made it home safely and to let us know that she was had made it to her special, forever place.

I love you AJ, miss you terribly, but am content with the satisfaction and joy you must be feeling to be in heaven with good health, happy spirits and Grandma, Grandpa and Jack. Keep watch over us k? We're trying to do our best!

Cheers!

PS - Sorry for the Debby Downer topics so far this week! I promise to bring up the happiness factor a few notches with my next post!