So What Wednesday

It's somehow Wednesday again already...so I'm once again linking up with Shannon over at Life After I Dew for another edition of So What Wednesday.

This week I'm saying So What if:

• I will be holding down the office by myself starting Friday through next Wednesday.  No biggie.  Running an office solo is no big deal.
• Mia has been falling asleep with me at night probably more than she should be, but how do you deny the request for cuddles AND really there is nothing better than watching your child sleep.
• Our tile has been done for 2 weeks and we STILL have yet to pick out our granite.  It's all fine and dandy to piece meal a project to save on contractor's fees and all, but this is getting ridiculous.  My goal is to be done with everything by the end of the year (it was Thanksgiving) so fingers crossed.
• I've been thinking and dreaming about turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy for several days in a row.  
• I set my DVR for Teen Mom 2 because Jersey Shore is just not enough ridiculousness in my life.
• I cook, but don't bake.  However will be making a pie for Thanksgiving   I don't like to bought premade anything, so I figure I'll give it a go.  If not, I'm sure WalMart will be open on the way to my sisters.  

Happy Hump Day!

Well At Least I Can Drink Through The Teenage Years

You know when everyone tells you, especially when you ask, that 3 is tougher than 2?  Well Miss Mia proved that this past week. She tested the waters, she tested my patience and I officially broke as a Mother and as a Wife.

I tried to stay strong and hold my ground, but where I feel like I somewhat failed last week I also feel a small sense of success as well.

Baby steps through parenthood right?

Last week was rough and I will not even attempt to sugar coat that.

You know when you come home to your wife crying in one corner and your 3 year old crying in the other?  Yep.  That happened.

Friday night was one of the hardest parenting moments I have ever experienced thus far.

For the most part Mia is a very well behaved child.  We don't have to use time out very often.  We pick and choose, as her parents, what we make a big deal and what we do not.  However effective last Monday at 1:57 am, it literally is like someone told her, "hey kid...you're 3, now you can start acting like an uncontrollable spoiled brat."  That is how it felt anyway.  The whining and moaning if she does not get her way had reached a level of insanity.

Friday night while we were waiting for my Husband to come home, Mia wanted to once again help with dinner.  On the menu?  Spaghetti, at her request.  I allow her to help very little with dinner when it involves the stove, but she was obsessed with stirring the noodles and when I told her no for the 14th time (only 2nd, but it felt like 14 ok?) she pushed me.  Not once, but twice and Momma don't play that.  No ma'm.  And off to time out she went.  However she was not having it.  She was going to sit in time out and ball and cry and yell for me (like repeat Momma, Momma, Momma the entire time) for 30 minutes.  AND I AM NOT EXAGGERATING ONE SINGLE BIT.  I made several attempts to explain to her that she needed to be quiet and sit in quiet for 3 minutes. Nope that was not going to happen.  She was going to push until she made me crack.

I call the Hubs and gave him a warning about the mental status of both other family members and what he was getting ready to walk into.  Happy Friday!

I spent Friday night alone.  In my room. With the door locked. Crying into my pillow and a kleenex for most of it.  I came downstairs only a few times for snacks (still very pregnant and hungry even if I'm an emotional basket case).  Mia begged me to let her come lay with me and I knew that I had to say no.  Stand my ground and make her understand that she hurt Mommy's feelings with her behavior.

I didn't even say goodnight to her on Friday.  Just rip my heart out why don't you.

I am a communicator.  I don't like to go to bed angry.  I'm a strong believer in making up before bedtime and talking through things such as this, but with her, at this age, I thought it was better to give it more time.  Was I right?  Who knows.  My Husband agreed.  We're trying damnit.

After I knew she was asleep, I went in and kissed her forehead.  Not just once, but a few times.

I got a decent night's sleep and woke up Saturday feeling better, but still not great.  She had her first dance class and parent's could watch and I cried when she did her gallop alone across the dance floor.  Yes.  I was THAT Mom.

We had a good day both Saturday and Sunday and by yesterday I was feeling much, much better.  We had a few minor incidents, but we were able to talk her through them and avoid any massive tantrums and no time outs!

Today feels good.  I feel normal today.  I don't think I will even cry today.

Hallelujah!

Building a baby is tough work.  Building a baby and managing a toddler is no walk in the park.

As I told my Husband, at least I will be able to drink during the teenage years.  That is VERY good news for him.

Have a great week!

You Shouldn't Cry Over Avocados

Today would normally be So What Wednesday, but there has been a change of plans.

So grab a coffee and stay awhile.  I wasn't short on words with this one.

Last night (and most of yesterday) I had a very strong sense of anger and suffocation and before I really get started this is not a woe is me type post, I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm just writing to get my feelings out because that is why I do this most of all.  Writing is very therapeutic to me.

Moving on...

By the time my working day was over all I wanted was a taco salad, a hot shower and my bed.  That was it.

Simple right?

I won't go into the details of my shitastic day at work, but I am at my wits end with people.  I have a great job and I'm very blessed to be where I am in my career, but I'm allowed to have bad days and I'm allowed to get annoyed.

My drive home was fairly uneventful, no calls, just all the crazy Election driving madness.  It had the feeling of Christmas Eve on the way home last night.  So much traffic and everyone was in a major hurry.

I got home, talked with my Dad for a while, hugged my girl and together we built a fire.  What is more calming than a fire when you can't drink wine.  Am I right or am I right?

I started making dinner while we waited for the Hubs to return from the polls.  He was there and back in 30 minutes.  He went at 5:00 pm.  Crazy.

He came through the door, said hi and told me he had a ton of paperwork to do and off to the office he went.

As I was working on dinner Mia was being extremely needy.  I was already cranky, I just wanted my salad and it was taking me 18 times longer than necessary.  She wanted to be held, which I love of course, but is impossible to do with my growing belly while trying to chop lettuce.

I try to involve her in meal prep, she's a lot like her Daddy and really likes to be in the kitchen "cooking."  Keeping her involved in the littlest things really helps and it's great for her, great for me and great for us.

She was interested in helping last night for oh I don't know 0.9756 seconds before she decided she'd rather wash her hands play in the sink. At this point I was all about whatever it took to get dinner done.  She sat on the bar stool at the kitchen sink and played with a cup of water.  She then spilled said cup of water all over her pants, the stool and the floor.  I got her down, asked her if she wanted me to dry her pants to which she said no and left.  Within SECONDS she was back in the kitchen balling her eyes out about how she was mad because I wouldn't dry off her pants.  OoooooKkkkkkkk and breathe.  In all the ruckus the Husband was back downstairs.

I try to keep my temper and attitude in check, but I don't get a lot of me time.  When I'm at work I'm needed all day long, when I get home I'm needed all night long.  I breathe a lot more than I used to, I give myself timeouts more than I used to, I take more time to react to situations than I used to.  But? Last night I felt like I couldn't catch my breathe.

As I tried to finish up dinner, I lost it while cutting up avocados   Seriously?  What is wrong with me?  I told the Husband I needed 5 minutes and up to my dark bedroom I went.  I just needed to cry out my anxiety and stress from the day and move on.

Within a few minutes he was up in the bedroom making sure I was not having a panic attack or completely losing my shit.  I explained to him that I feel like I'm suffocating.  I'm constantly needed day in and day out and I never get a moment to myself.  I can barely eat lunch without getting disrupted in some manner, I barely ever eat a warm dinner, as soon as I walk in the door from work I'm in Mom mode and sometimes I just need a break.  Sometimes I just don't want to be needed.

My Husband doesn't know what to do in this situation.  He tries, God love him, but it's difficult to explain and really understand unless you are a Mom.  That's the best explanation I can give.  I'm pregnant and hormonal.  My emotions are at a all time high right now.

I've had this feeling often throughout this pregnancy, but I'm scared to death of how I will balance a family of 4.  A family of 3 is insane, especially with our schedule, but there are days when I just am not so sure I can handle it.

My anxiety level is so high lately.  It's a combination of a lot of things.  This is my reality.  I'm assuming it's the looming holidays and my rapidly growing belly.

I need a break.  I need a day off.  I need a me day where I do nothing but take care of me.

I'll make the time for it soon.  I have to.  For me.  For once.

Three

Today, we celebrate this amazing girl.

Words cannot express how proud I am of her and how proud I am to be her Momma.

She is my everything.  There is nothing more that I look forward to than seeing her shining eyes and smile at the end of a busy day.

I always wondered what motherhood would be like.  I always knew I would be one some day.  But I never thought this experience would be as wonderful as it has been over these three short years.

I've learned so much and I've grown so much through motherhood.  Motherhood and parenthood have taught me so much about who I am as a person, my strengths, my weaknesses.

I've been challenged and so has my Husband.  We are always working on being the best that we can be because at the end of the day I feel strongly that is the best we can do as parents.  We can only do the best that we can do.  It may never be enough.  It may never be perfect, but that is ok.  This is life.  We are to learn and grow through this process, every step and stage along the way.

*******************

Dear Mia,

Today we celebrate your third birthday.  I cannot believe it has been three years already.  It seems like it was just this time yesterday that we were in the hospital enjoying you, our new baby.

Here we are.  So much has changed from that moment.  You are amazingly smart, witty and kind.  You never run out of hugs or I love yous. You love to talk.  You continue to be my shadow, everywhere we go.  You're my buddy and sidekick.  People continue to tell me how much you resemble me.  Lucky you :)

Each day you amaze me with what you know and if you know anything, you certainly know how to rock a dance party.  This is by far your favorite thing.  You've even started singing along to songs and I'm not sure there is anything much cuter than watching you sing and dance.  You know your numbers, letters, shapes, colors and animals. You want so badly to be able to tie your own shoes.  You show signs of independence.

You love to draw, color and paint.  You love your babies and have really started to love the Disney princesses, especially Rapunzel.  You love shoes, especially boots.  You love your socks, but mostly love to mismatch them when you pick them out in the morning.

You are so special to me and your Daddy.  You will always be you and nothing will change that.  Our lives will be changing in the coming months when your sister arrives, but I want you to know that you will always be my baby.

You will be such a great big sister.

I'm so proud of you and love you with every ounce of my heart.

I love you.
How much?
So much.
How much is so?
Way, way more than you know.

Always and Forever,

Momma

Mom Fail?

Mia's not feeling well and she turns 3 on Monday which means her birthday party is this Saturday.  Because of course.

When we put her to bed last night she had a low grade fever and had the chills.

I could go on and on about how lucky we have been with her.  She's rarely been sick outside of a few minor colds and one fever in her 3 years of life.

I had an early morning meeting and called the Hubs around 8:45 to check to see how she is feeling this morning.

She was still in bed.

My daughter?  As soon as someone sets foot on the ground from the bed she is up and ready to take on the day.  She's not one to lie around unless she is not feeling well.

Hubs had already planned to take off Friday to put our kitchen back together now that our tile is finished, so he couldn't stay home with her.  I had no more meetings, so I could have taken the rest of the day off or worked from home.

When asked what her preference was - for Mommy to come home or to go to Dawny's as planned?  She picked Dawny's and my heart broke in a million pieces.

Don't get me wrong, her Dawny is fabulous. She has been a important part of Mia's life from the very beginning and I would never take that away.  They have an amazing relationship and she's family.  We are all very lucky to have her.

But that doesn't make it any easier.

Just when you think there is no one else she'd rather be with, especially on a day where she is not feeling a 100% and you are quickly reminded that today that is not the case.

It stings a little.