Wednesday, November 7, 2012

You Shouldn't Cry Over Avocados

Today would normally be So What Wednesday, but there has been a change of plans.

So grab a coffee and stay awhile.  I wasn't short on words with this one.

Last night (and most of yesterday) I had a very strong sense of anger and suffocation and before I really get started this is not a woe is me type post, I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm just writing to get my feelings out because that is why I do this most of all.  Writing is very therapeutic to me.

Moving on...

By the time my working day was over all I wanted was a taco salad, a hot shower and my bed.  That was it.

Simple right?

I won't go into the details of my shitastic day at work, but I am at my wits end with people.  I have a great job and I'm very blessed to be where I am in my career, but I'm allowed to have bad days and I'm allowed to get annoyed.

My drive home was fairly uneventful, no calls, just all the crazy Election driving madness.  It had the feeling of Christmas Eve on the way home last night.  So much traffic and everyone was in a major hurry.

I got home, talked with my Dad for a while, hugged my girl and together we built a fire.  What is more calming than a fire when you can't drink wine.  Am I right or am I right?

I started making dinner while we waited for the Hubs to return from the polls.  He was there and back in 30 minutes.  He went at 5:00 pm.  Crazy.

He came through the door, said hi and told me he had a ton of paperwork to do and off to the office he went.

As I was working on dinner Mia was being extremely needy.  I was already cranky, I just wanted my salad and it was taking me 18 times longer than necessary.  She wanted to be held, which I love of course, but is impossible to do with my growing belly while trying to chop lettuce.

I try to involve her in meal prep, she's a lot like her Daddy and really likes to be in the kitchen "cooking."  Keeping her involved in the littlest things really helps and it's great for her, great for me and great for us.

She was interested in helping last night for oh I don't know 0.9756 seconds before she decided she'd rather wash her hands play in the sink. At this point I was all about whatever it took to get dinner done.  She sat on the bar stool at the kitchen sink and played with a cup of water.  She then spilled said cup of water all over her pants, the stool and the floor.  I got her down, asked her if she wanted me to dry her pants to which she said no and left.  Within SECONDS she was back in the kitchen balling her eyes out about how she was mad because I wouldn't dry off her pants.  OoooooKkkkkkkk and breathe.  In all the ruckus the Husband was back downstairs.

I try to keep my temper and attitude in check, but I don't get a lot of me time.  When I'm at work I'm needed all day long, when I get home I'm needed all night long.  I breathe a lot more than I used to, I give myself timeouts more than I used to, I take more time to react to situations than I used to.  But? Last night I felt like I couldn't catch my breathe.

As I tried to finish up dinner, I lost it while cutting up avocados   Seriously?  What is wrong with me?  I told the Husband I needed 5 minutes and up to my dark bedroom I went.  I just needed to cry out my anxiety and stress from the day and move on.

Within a few minutes he was up in the bedroom making sure I was not having a panic attack or completely losing my shit.  I explained to him that I feel like I'm suffocating.  I'm constantly needed day in and day out and I never get a moment to myself.  I can barely eat lunch without getting disrupted in some manner, I barely ever eat a warm dinner, as soon as I walk in the door from work I'm in Mom mode and sometimes I just need a break.  Sometimes I just don't want to be needed.

My Husband doesn't know what to do in this situation.  He tries, God love him, but it's difficult to explain and really understand unless you are a Mom.  That's the best explanation I can give.  I'm pregnant and hormonal.  My emotions are at a all time high right now.

I've had this feeling often throughout this pregnancy, but I'm scared to death of how I will balance a family of 4.  A family of 3 is insane, especially with our schedule, but there are days when I just am not so sure I can handle it.

My anxiety level is so high lately.  It's a combination of a lot of things.  This is my reality.  I'm assuming it's the looming holidays and my rapidly growing belly.

I need a break.  I need a day off.  I need a me day where I do nothing but take care of me.

I'll make the time for it soon.  I have to.  For me.  For once.


Erika said...

I get this. I 110% get this. My husband tries his hardest to help out. But sometimes it's not enough. "Me time" is much needed, especially for us working mama's. I pour my heart, empathy, and soul out to listening to other people's "problems" everyday. When I come home I am needed by by child. And I need to spend time with my husband. It's overwhelming. I just need my own space without feeling guilty for not taking care of myself. Hugs friend.

Kay Holt said...

You took the words right out of my mouth. I concur with this all and feel the suffocating more than I'd like. I feel like I'm loosing control of everything and I panick at the thought of two kids. How in the hell with things get done? How will I not check myself into the psych ward?! When am I going to get to do what I want with out kids tagging along? How do I ask for help without feeling guilty?

My husband is wonderful but there are just somethings that Mom needs to do around the house and with the 3yo. He helps in any and all ways and works so hard for us.

And I wanted this right? I prayed for both my do I get the right to want to be rid of them for a day? It makes me feel guilty beyond belief!

Thankfully I have a mother and mother-in-law that love to help and a dad and dad-in-law that beg to have Peyton around. But still I feel guilty.

So I get it...I totally get it...

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say, you are not alone.

Like you, I've cried too, but it was over a Big Mac.

Your doing everything you can, like you said, you will make time for just you and all will feel right again.

Jamie said...

Hang in there... This too shall pass. You can do this.

Shelli said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. It's so frustrating because our husbands don't understand and then we all feel all of this mom guilt for needing a few hours to just be alone. What I like to do in these situations is find like 30 minutes to an hour (lunch break, on the way home, after everyone has gone to sleep) and just do something I like to do. Read, drink a coke and eat fries from MCDs or paint my toe nails and take a bath. You need to take care of you first to be a good mom and wife. You can do this and it's ok to have these days. :)

Mrs EyeCanSee said...

I totally get this. Some days when I get home from work all I want is a few minutes to myself. I don't want to make dinner. Do laundry. Tend to my sons every need. I just want to be alone. I worry what it will be like when there's another little person demanding my attention!

Everyone is allowed a little me time. Guilt free. Even moms. :)

Ashley Paige said...

You are not alone and you DO need a break and time to yourself. Although if you're anything like me, you feel badly asking for it or your husband is too busy to even let you have it. I just know exactly how you're feeling and sometimes a good cry and pillow punch is a good bandaid. I can reassure you that having two is not much different. In fact, the baby cries a bit longer than Carter ever did because Carter is still the neediest of the bunch. Remember, tiny babies are easy that way. They pretty much just go with the flow. Just keep taking those deep breaths. Hugs, Mama.

Lindsay said...

*hugs* mama. I am so very sorry to hear about your bad day and stress level. If it makes you feel any better, we have ALL been there! I wish you some me time ASAP! Until then, know you are not alone. It is so very normal to feel this way and to be concerned about your ability to handle your growing family. It will all fall into plan. There will probably be no plan, but it will work how you need it to when you need to it. At least you will be able to have a fire and wine then if all else fails. Hang in there. It will all be okay.