So grab a coffee and stay awhile. I wasn't short on words with this one.
Last night (and most of yesterday) I had a very strong sense of anger and suffocation and before I really get started this is not a woe is me type post, I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm just writing to get my feelings out because that is why I do this most of all. Writing is very therapeutic to me.
By the time my working day was over all I wanted was a taco salad, a hot shower and my bed. That was it.
I won't go into the details of my shitastic day at work, but I am at my wits end with people. I have a great job and I'm very blessed to be where I am in my career, but I'm allowed to have bad days and I'm allowed to get annoyed.
My drive home was fairly uneventful, no calls, just all the crazy Election driving madness. It had the feeling of Christmas Eve on the way home last night. So much traffic and everyone was in a major hurry.
I got home, talked with my Dad for a while, hugged my girl and together we built a fire. What is more calming than a fire when you can't drink wine. Am I right or am I right?
I started making dinner while we waited for the Hubs to return from the polls. He was there and back in 30 minutes. He went at 5:00 pm. Crazy.
He came through the door, said hi and told me he had a ton of paperwork to do and off to the office he went.
As I was working on dinner Mia was being extremely needy. I was already cranky, I just wanted my salad and it was taking me 18 times longer than necessary. She wanted to be held, which I love of course, but is impossible to do with my growing belly while trying to chop lettuce.
I try to involve her in meal prep, she's a lot like her Daddy and really likes to be in the kitchen "cooking." Keeping her involved in the littlest things really helps and it's great for her, great for me and great for us.
She was interested in helping last night for oh I don't know 0.9756 seconds before she decided she'd rather wash her hands
I try to keep my temper and attitude in check, but I don't get a lot of me time. When I'm at work I'm needed all day long, when I get home I'm needed all night long. I breathe a lot more than I used to, I give myself timeouts more than I used to, I take more time to react to situations than I used to. But? Last night I felt like I couldn't catch my breathe.
As I tried to finish up dinner, I lost it while cutting up avocados Seriously? What is wrong with me? I told the Husband I needed 5 minutes and up to my dark bedroom I went. I just needed to cry out my anxiety and stress from the day and move on.
Within a few minutes he was up in the bedroom making sure I was not having a panic attack or completely losing my shit. I explained to him that I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm constantly needed day in and day out and I never get a moment to myself. I can barely eat lunch without getting disrupted in some manner, I barely ever eat a warm dinner, as soon as I walk in the door from work I'm in Mom mode and sometimes I just need a break. Sometimes I just don't want to be needed.
My Husband doesn't know what to do in this situation. He tries, God love him, but it's difficult to explain and really understand unless you are a Mom. That's the best explanation I can give. I'm pregnant and hormonal. My emotions are at a all time high right now.
I've had this feeling often throughout this pregnancy, but I'm scared to death of how I will balance a family of 4. A family of 3 is insane, especially with our schedule, but there are days when I just am not so sure I can handle it.
My anxiety level is so high lately. It's a combination of a lot of things. This is my reality. I'm assuming it's the looming holidays and my rapidly growing belly.
I need a break. I need a day off. I need a me day where I do nothing but take care of me.
I'll make the time for it soon. I have to. For me. For once.