Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Drama For Your Mama

Today is typically Wordless (kinda) Wednesday for me, but because I am a slacker and still have yet to download pictures from Easter, I will just write to my heart's content today instead. Grab a cup of coffee, a glass a vino and sit back. I'm not brief today. Feeling word vomit coming on and it's overdue. Sorry in advance. Having a tough go of things this week. Emotionally my head is a little busy and it's so draining. I can't believe I haven't even written anything on here since last week. I've struggled for words and topics this week, which is so hard for me to comprehend. I'm typically not at a loss for words. My head has been preoccupied. Got some family stuff going on, I won't bore you with the details, but when is enough enough and when can the selfish pity party paaaaaalease come to an end. OK, just a few details...I struggle with understanding humans and their emotions, especially when it comes to my family and specifically grown adults. I feel my fam is pretty "normal," we have our moments, but overall if there is something going on, we'll talk it out and it's over, we move on. SO NOT THE CASE FOR HUBBY'S SIDE (that is me yelling by the way, just in case you were wondering...aaaahhhhhh, that feels better). I shouldn't say the entire family, but a select few. I received a "not so nice or appropriate" email from my MIL the day after Mia's birthday (#1 mind you) again apologizing for having to leave early, as she had to work in order to buy Mia "things." WTF? My MIL is over the top on her gift giving. Appreciated, yes, however necessary, no. We've told her this several times. And this is how it started....this was last November. Did you just count the months? Yeah, it's been that long and yeah we are still not speaking. Due to the fact that my MIL works on Saturdays, typically all family functions occur on Sundays. Hubs and I are not a fan, Sundays are typically our only day home as a family when someone is not working, but we do it and are happy to accommodate. But it is in my opinion that kid's birthday parties are on Saturday's not Sundays and to be very honest, my MIL's schedule was the least of my concerns when planning her FIRST (yep, yelling) birthday! No offense to my MIL, but I had enough to consider and everyones' schedule was not on that list. So anyway, the party was great, everyone had fun, Mia loved the cake: Scene: (Note this is not accurate word for word) Hubby and I in playroom with Mia Sunday morning, day after party Email from MIL comes in Me: (After reading) Seriously? (I read out loud to hubby, bawling like a baby.) Hubby: Forward that to me. Me: OK, why? Hubby: I'm going to send my Mom a response. (begins typing) (Reading aloud) Mom, Please stop sending your passive aggressive emails to my wife and making her cry. Now hubby and I both realize this was probably not the best response, however, in the moment he was reacting on how we both were feeling at that time. This was not the first time that she had brought up my choosing to have this on a Saturday and having to leave early. But I didn't think it would be that much to consider taking that day off. I felt like she was trying to jab at me one more time and make sure that I truly understood why this is all about her. It's your grandchild and her FIRST birthday for crying out loud. Hubby decided to call and apologize for the harshness of his response and over the phone, she was fine, seemed happy he called, everything seemed to be over, squashed, done. This was a major moment. They are not communicators and this was huge! Yay grown ups! But within days, she stated to another family member that he supposedly never apologized or it wasn't good enough or something to that extent. In addition, it was said that the only reason he called to apologize was because we needed a babysitter. Seriously? Is this really happening? So since then, things have not been the same or right between us. It has affected our relationships with her, my FIL, my SIL, our cousin and aunt. Christmas was horribly awkward and uncomfortable. I almost didn't go. It was at her house and I didn't really feel like she wanted me to be there and supposedly it was stated that if Hubby or I made any comments about the 102 gifts she bought for Mia, we would be asked to leave? Warm and fuzzy way to approach Christmas huh? They were supposed to come to Easter, but decided two days before they were no longer coming. The had an Easter breakfast with my SIL, her husband and our their two children (our nieces), but no invite for us. No mention of it the day before either when we saw my SIL at my BIL birthday party. Another warm and fuzzy holiday huh? The bottomline is this. This situation became what it is because of her. Had the email never been sent this issue would not still be what it is today. She needs to take some accountability for what she did. I did not overreact to the email and this is not my hubby's fault. We all make mistakes, we will sometimes say the wrong things, but as adults we should be able to apologize, communicate and move forward. The blame game is not effective, taking sides doesn't help and feeling sorry for yourself does not get any of us anywhere. If not for ourselves, this should be resolved for the kids that are a part of our families. They should not be affected by the selfishness and childish behavior. In my mind, I cannot comprehend how a grandparent could ever have a reason to not want to see their grandchild. For Mia, that has been 4 months. They live 30 minutes from us. I cannot change what is done and I cannot change another person, but I can decide what is best for my family. My husband carries a heavy guilt about this subject and we talk about it almost weekly. It hurts him that she doesn't want to have anything to do with us. I can somewhat remove myself from this, but she's not my mother, however she is my husband's. He wants so badly for things to be back to the way they were. I'm a mother and I have a daughter and it is my #1 responsibility and priority to put her in the best environment. I will continue to surround myself with those that care for us, love us and have our best interest's at their heart. I am very blessed that I have many of those people in my life. I'm sad that potentially this problem could never be fixed with my MIL, but in 32 years I do know that life is entirely too short. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Aaaaaahhhhh feels so good to get that down in writing. Hubby may not be real thrilled with me sharing this, but blogging is very therapeutic for me. It's nice to feel like I'm sharing my story with other people who don't necessarily know me. Sometimes outside opinions are the best and this is way cheaper than a therapist.
Thanks for listening! Next post, I promise will be much happier.


A Mommy in the City said...

That's tough. I can't imagine the stress you are put under with this. Maybe one day she will come around and realize what she is missing out on!

Lindsey said...

I completely agree about putting your child in the best environment. While it may sting now to not be invited to those functions, in the future it will get easier because it won't even cross your mind and you will have established your own family traditions.

My sister gave me some of the best advice- You have your own family now, and you must make the best decisions for it. In the end, even though it may not seem the normal decision now, it will feel normal in the future.

I have dealt with a scenario like this, not with family, but eerily similar to what you describe. Awkwardness, feeling left out, etc. It gets better with time.

the workaholic momma said...

I love the picture of Mia with her cakes-she clearly enjoyed it:) And...seriously, the MIL stuff is totally not your fault and you shouldn't feel bad!! Sounds like shes really trying hard to get under your skin and thats just not fair to you or your fam!! Hope your week gets better!

Melissa at Tall Blonde said...

Thanks guys! I really appreciate all the feedback and advice! I do hope with time things will get better.

Amanda - RunToTheFinish said...

ahhh family stuff is so tough. I know that my MIL feels like holiday's must be celebrated on that day or it just doesn't count, but I have a family too...the idea of sharing our holidays has been a long battle