Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Questioning My Ability

I tweeted about this Sunday night.

After a pretty good day and an awesome 3 hour nap (Mia, not me unfortunately), we had a rough, rough night.

Mia's 2 1/2 and closer to 3 now than that 2 1/2 mark.  She knows right from wrong and she knows how to push buttons.  Managing her ability to push has been pretty easy for the most part.  Some days worse than others of course.  She's too smart for her own good sometimes, but still not smarter than her Momma.

Like every Sunday night, it was bath time, about 7:00.

She seemed off since she had woken up from her nap, wasn't sure if it was the heat of the day (we had spent the afternoon at the park) or the bitty cough/cold she had been dealing with the past few days.

After cleaning her up, as usual I let her play for about 20 minutes.

I always give her a 5 minute or 10 minute warning before I get her out.  She doesn't like to get out of the tub, she loves it in there and always has.  I know she doesn't know minutes, but learning them starts somewhere.

When it was time to get her out, she start flailing her arms, kicking her feet, splashing water all over the bathroom.  And she let our the loudest NOOOOOOOOOO, with the fullest of attitudes, that I had ever heard.  I was stern with her and told here that is not a way to talk to her Momma, or anyone for that matter. Luckily the Hubs heard the ruckus and saved me at the best time.

I took a shower while he proceeded with the rest of the bedtime routine.

I was sad or more like, Holy shit, what the fuck was that?  Who was this child?

I get it that every day is not rainbows, puffy hearts and unicorns, but last night hurt my heart.

I was emotional about it and it really had me questioning my ability to emotionally and physically handle being a mother of more than one child.

Can I really do this?

Is it too much?

Am I not cut out for this?

After my shower, I went and laid with her and we talked about why she and Mommy were both upset.  She gets most of what we talk about, I can see it in her eyes.

She didn't fall asleep easy that night.  In fact, she fell asleep just as we were going up to bed at 9:30.

Last night was challenging.  When you think you can handle anything and the balance of life feels good, then have a moment where you think you can't even handle what you are currently doing, it pulls hard on the ole' heart.

Life's tough, but I guess it's not meant to be easy.


Kelli said...

Oh girl, I feel your pain. I really think that the transition from 2-4 is the hardest time because theya re figuring out how to push buttons, what their limits are and if Mom and Dad really mean it when they say no. The very fact that you care enough to WANT to correct her and teach her honor and respect shows that you are more than capable of handling one or more than one. :) You are a great Mama and Mia is a great, normal kid who is going to push the boundaries as far as she can to see if they're really stable.

I like to think of the line in Jurassic Park when the Australian ranger dude is talking to them about the Velociraptors in their pens as they push on the electric wiring around their cage. "They're always testing them," he says. "Checking for weaknesses."

Parenting a preschooler is totally like raising a velociraptor. :) Ha!

SEL said...

Oh friend. I have times like this too where it's , "wow. Where did my sweet innocent child go? How can I possibly have TWO when I'm this concerned over ONE?"

But life is meant to challenge us and the best part? We rise to the occasion, because we're Mommas. :)