Thursday, March 3, 2011
There is definitely something lurking in the air. Many of the blogs I currently follow have covered the same or similar subject in the past week or so. Everyone seems to be running on fumes. There is little energy, hopefully just due to the lack of Vitamin D in everyone's life. I'm tired. Exhausted actually. Blah really. I'm not sure if it's the tease of the weather (springy and warm one day and cold and overcast the next) or my very own separate issues. I'm having a bit of a struggle right now (mid-mid life crisis?, geez I hope not). I feel like I go, go, go constantly every day. I get only a couple of hours with my daughter each night and it's just not enough. I stay up too late sometimes just because I don't want to go to bed and start over again. Then I'm tired because I stayed up too late on a "school" night. All I want is one moment to rest, relax and take a breath. I get up early and goooooooooooo...all day (have I mentioned this?). The daily, monotonous routine and that darn clock just keeps on a tickin.' Each day goes quicker than the last. Does anyone know how to stop that clock? Here's where my current struggle comes in (pity party warning). I am a working Momma, Monday thru Friday. I start at 5:30 am and typically don't stop until it's time to go to bed. Do not get me wrong, I am certainly blessed that we have a very loving family that takes wonderful care of our daughter while we both go out and try to bring home the bacon. Blessed, blessed, blessed. The relationships that she is creating with her family are going to build a forever bond with them and for that I am forever grateful. With all of that being said, there are days where I just look at my daughter and regret that I don't have the opportunity to stay home with her every day and watch her learn and grow. I come home to hear stories of what she did that day and some days I just feel like, well, check that off the list of another thing I missed. I'm jealous. I'll admit it, of women that are able to stay home with their kids, but I also believe in the "grass is always greener" ideal. I'm sure these Moms feel the same way. I'm jealous of Moms that are able to stay home to be with their children and not have to worry about daycare in order to bring another child into this world. I'm mad that I even have to worry about daycare. I don't think that anyone should be penalized financially for having children and working full time. The cost of daycare (good, quality daycare) is out of control (we'll save that blog topic for a rainy day, you're welcome). She is at such a fantastic age right now (the whole journey has been fantastic but the past few months have been amazing). She is learning so quickly, counting, talking, listening, communicating, responding, laughing, running, the list goes on and on. I feel like I am missing out. I don't just have to work (thank you student loans), I enjoy working. I'm successful and doing very well in my current position and it definitely keeps that sense of me that I see so many stay at home moms complain about losing. However, I feel like I am missing out on milestones. I had a lot of sad moments last year when I returned to work after my maternity leave as she would go to the Zoo, the Science Center, the pool and so many other fun St. Louis landmarks. I wanted to be the first one to take her to those places because I'm her Mom and that is what I am supposed to do right? I try to remind myself that balancing a career and motherhood is only going to make her a better person. She will grow to understand and appreciate the hard work that her Daddy and I put into our daily routine to ensure we provided the best environment for her. And on a side note, now, so many people that had babies around the same time as me are preggers again. I want another, not right now, but I definitely want another. It's scary, both financially and life balancey (nice word ay?). Can we handle it? I understand you are never financially ready for children. It's difficult to balance with two full time working parents and one child. Can we do two? Should we mess with our groove to provide a sibling for our daughter and provide Momma with one more pregnancy experience? Life is a working balancing act full of lessons and challenges. The biggest challenge of them all is being able to determine how you can make the most out of your life. I often get upset with myself for feeling the way I do because I have a great life. I shouldn't complain. I have a wonderful and healthy daughter, husband, family and friends, but I'm human and it's ok for me to feel the way that I do without feeling guilty about it right? The key is to focus on finding the best there is in every day and realizing that no matter what, life is good and we are all truly blessed. There will always be things that I will miss out on, but at the end of the day, seeing that little blond haired, blue eyed girl running towards me, with her arms opened wide, yelling out for me as if she has been yelling for me all day, makes every moment worth it and takes all the bad away. There is absolutely, without a doubt, no moment better then that.